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little ash.

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Jul. 20th, 2005 | 09:10 pm
mood: calm calm
music: heart shaped box-OBVIOUSLY..

oh petite ash. ASHLEY janet. holy fuck i cant believe it. its just all hapenning so fast..its like a blur to me. a week ago monday was the last time i saw you..forever. when you took that fucking pill..it takes all of me to think of how i wish i could turn back time and flush those fucking things down the toilet. i had a gut feeling id go get josh and then go get niocle to see you ash. i just didnt follow through with it. i just feel horrible that you went through with it. this is seriously as real as it gets ash. you know when you think about soemthing for a long logn time you can pretty much pick apart each detail about a certain day..Monday, 11th of June. I woke up and richard pascoe price came over to see garrett..they wanted to go uptown to get a boot at like 11 in the morning. i told them i wouldnt have enough time to find them a boot, and like i would anyway..so they headed downstairs to do some shots of triple sec tequila. i continued getting ready, got an arguement on the phone with talisa and made plans with nicole that id just head over to her house. josh told me that he would call my cell and talsia told me not to bring a bunch of people..that we would see josh later as soon as we were done dying hair we'd go down there and see ash and josh. so i got nicole in the pouring rain [the last nice day my little ashley..when you left you took the sun with you. seriously its been miserable and cold in beaumont ever since your leaving little one] and we went to IDA to five finger discount some hair dyes and head over to talisas. so we got to talisas picked her up and then went to allys. we debated whether we needed to go back to ida to get more hair dyes or not and then we decided to fuck it and just go dye some mother effing hair.so nicole dyed talisas hair and me and aly put a big red chunk in it. we called josh and he told us what he was on, and what was going on so we decided to head over there. i remember it was so hot when we were walking and me and nicole had been walking all day so we were tired. once we got there we walked in and renee and brandy were sitting on the couch and ash came up to us and said"GOD you guys are so pretty, why are you so pretty, why dont you guys have boyfriends" ASH that was the sweetest thing ever aha but really you were the beautiful one you were just the underdog.if people knew who you really were im positive everyone would want to be around you. i told talisa and nicole that i was freaked out about the way that brandy and renee were acting and ash seemed so pre occupied..but i was paranoid. i knew they were on e and ive never seen people on e before..josh went uptown to go get something soemthing and right after that i got a nosebleed. ashley was so concered aha she asked me if soemone beat me up and i told her that she did just to confuse her..she knew i was bullshitting her but she hugged me anyway and told me that whoever it was that beat me up, she was gonna to beat their faces in. it was so cute beacuse she is so little..but so tough she could take anyone i bet aha. i told her i loved her and stuffed kleenex up my nose. when it stopped i went back outside into the living room and brandy started going off on how my myskin and eyes looked. she looked like she was tripping out every two seconds. they were listening to slipknot and me and nicole and talisa were like what the hell do we do with 3 girls on beans..so.josh finally came back ash was chewing on a pen and it exploded all over her hands and her hand prints were on joshs guitar and josh was trying to be all calm about it aha. and then she'd smooth her hair with her hands like she always did. she got scared when josh looked like a train just hit him he was sweating profusely. she evenutally got over it after josh calmed her down and reassured her he was okay. she and renee and brandy were all drinking water and me nicole and josh went to joshs room..to you know...hang out..aha. and i remember her coming in and asking us how her hair looked..and we had one last final blaze..beautiful. she spilt water all over her lap aha. and then she wanted to break into the van to get like pop bottles out of the back and she kept hassling josh to break into the van aha. she was so adorable. not long after that she would come in his room, asking him if how she felt was normal..she said she had a bad headache and she could feel her brain pulsing against her skull and she felt hot and sweaty so josh told her to go have a cold shower and to not panic. we thought that you were just coming down ash..we never expected something like this. we had no idea. you went into the shower and came out . me talisa and nicole had to leave so we when she came out we said goodbye to her. her skin looked red and purple but she still looked like ash..that little face that little body. all the eyeliner circled around her eyes. we said our goodbyes for the last time. as we were walking uptown we could hear the ambulances and i started panicing thinking that something was wrong with ash maybe, and i exhanged glances with nikki and tally. we all loooked a bit shook and they told me not to worry about it, that ashley was fine. i burnt out in mainas but remained paranoid the entire time. nikki left and me and talisa walked home. we passed many ambulances, of course i was still freaking. it got to the point where talisa said that if i didnt stop freaking out she was going to sit int he middle of the road until i calmed down but that just frustrated me even more i was so paranoid i wanted to go home and wait by the phone. i wanted to call my mom and tell her where i was i wanted to call josh to see if ash was okay if ash was in the ambulances..i started balling in the middle of the street and ran back to tell talisa to get the hell off the road and come back to her house with me. she wouldnt get up and i lost it i told her that i wouldnt talk to her again if she didnt get up. she got pissed off and pushed me in the side of a pick up and started running towards her house. i chased her 4 blocks back to her house fucking balling my eyes out and every car that passed us was like "what the fuck?" i finally caught up to her and she would hardly talk to me. take in note that we were a bit out of it still at this time. when we got home i called garrett and he said that he saw ash get put on a stretcher into stars air ambulance. i started fucking freaking out and called everyone we knew to get a hold of josh at his neighboors house. finally ryan gave us the number, and when we reached josh he told us to meet him at bellevue asap. so we grabbed our shit and ran to bellevue. brandy ben zack and josh were there. they left and josh circled the rink for a bit trying to hold back something. i looked and talisa and started crying. he started explaining how scared he was and how he hid in his basement as soon as the paramedics came. seeing someone that you know and love, that keeps you strong everyday is curropted before your eyes for the first time ever is the weirdest, most hollow feeling. joshs neighbors came and picked him up and took him to the hospital. i knew it was fucking serious and i was scared so bad. me and talisa dragged ourselves over to behind the dumpster at kc hall and balled our eyes out. and then some fucking old man came out of nowhere trying to get us to tell him who wrote "david gesslemen has no testicles" as vandalism on the hall but i told him i had no fucking id ea and walked away. me and talisa didnt sleep that night. we were silent for about 7 hours our brains going insane hoping and praying that ash would be okay. i guess at that time i had a hope in my heart that ash wuold be okay. we got up at 630 and went to west ed. i called the hospital and i talked to a nurse that said shed get someone from the clairmont family to talk to me. liz called me about a minute after that, telling me to"pray for ashley because she doesnt know what was gonna happen..."i knew right then and there that it wasnt fuicking good.so we sat and cried in the food court while binally and beena went shopping. josh called when we were walking out of T&T and said that he didnt think ash was going to make it. it was after that when mass amounts of people were calling my cell. turns out i used 3 hours of minutes on my phone in those 3 hours. i think most people were in shock or didnt believe it. or kinda thought that that 2% chance she would make it. fucking unbelievable. it was a blur of balling our eyes out the rest of that time. john came and got us and i cried all the way home we went to go see josh at cathy&petes and he gave us hope that hed be okay. i guess it kinda hit me that day that id never see ash again. or hear her voice or anything. the days after that are also a bit blurry..i hung out with josh mostly. i went to his house and a bunch of people were there.. we ate lasagna and dan [joshs dad]asked if he could adopt us..since he was missing a daughter. he was about to cry but excused himself and went back inside the house. after that all i can remember was just awkwardness and the need to hug josh and dan and liz and i did. the day before i was with garrett waiting for nicole to show up.and we were sitting on the stairs looking directly at the front door and this might sound..weird or just off but we were listening to nirvana just talking about ash ..and out of nowhere the doorbell rang a good 5 or 6 times me and garrett exhanged looks and opened the front door. noone was to be seen and me and garrett decided it was ashley saying hi. at her funeral the power surged..another hi. maybe im just losing it? i believe in that whole supernatural thing im just lame like that.niocle said that she saw a cloud in the sky that looked like a hand..taking you little ash. the service was beautiful they played santeria and penny royal tea. where i cried the hardest ill never listen to that song the same. i guess i have come to an acceptance that your gone. but the priest was right when you left you left a hole in my heart that can never be refilled. ill never forget you though ash, fuck nobody will how could they. the town is like changed because of you my love.  you changed everyones lives for the bad and the good. your gone now, but you will never leave me. i know you are still here protecting josh. and talisa and i , from stupid boys and stupid people aha. me nicole kelsie and talisa made you something on the side of KC hall my love haa. and got blitzed IN HONOR OF YOU. :) this is a huge fucking lesson for me and i swear im a changed person from it. never fucking take people for granted..you never know when you might lose them. ALWAYS tell people how you feel good or bad. tell them how much you fucking love them and everything you ever wanted to say to them-say it. because you might lose that opportunity to say it to them. in the end, love is always on your side. ash is always on my side. PEACE LOVE EMPATHY  REST IN PEACE ASHLEY . 1988-2005. my love. <3

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